New Year’s Prayer 2011

Dear Lord,

It’s one hour to go before 2011. Yes Lord, this time I spend New Year’s eve at my parents’ home without going out like I usually did on the previous New Year’s eves.

You know honestly and humbly said, I am scared facing 2011. It is going to be my phase of life because I will be graduating in the midyear after my four-year-study of International Relations at Parahyangan Catholic University. I’ve been living in this very comfort zone for almost 3,5 years in Bandung. I’ve got great friends, great lecturers, great experiences and I thank You for giving me them all Lord! It was precisely like 3,5 years ago when I was twelve-grader and I was confused and not sure what the college life would be, but You were there to help me decide to jump in International Relations major at my current campus. It is only one semester left for me before I am entering new chapter in the book of my life, Lord. I have been wondering about post-graduation life. So many unanswered questions tangled up in my busy mind: Will I get a job as I want? What if I become unemployed? Will I get chance to chase my master degree abroad? Will my parents afford to support my master degree? Will I be able to get scholarship? Should I worry about this, Lord? I know You have been helping me through hard and good times for this 21 years of my living, and I should know that this case of post-grad life will be no exception for You to keep guiding me.

In terms of love stories, I am thankful because You have made me meet up some men in my life. From the ladies man, playboy, adventurer, to such smart ones. As You know Lord, one of my best friend just texted me 30 minutes ago “I wish you a happy New Year and that your list of boyfriends-to-be will be added up.” Isn’t it ironic that I know some men there but I am staying single until now, Lord? Am I a snob? Am I being too picky? Am I being playful? Is there anything wrong with me Lord? At some point I find it confusing, Lord, sometimes I’m not sure what I feel and who I want to be with. Perhaps I can be called as mean for being such heartbreaker, but I am a nice person, I just want to be with someone I feel sure of although it doesn’t necessarily mean that my boyfriend would surely end up being my husband because the idea of marriage itself is still long way to go. I believe that You would give me chances to meet several men just so in the end of the day I will be in the know of what I want in a man and what to expect from him.

Dear Lord, I will never know what lies in the year ahead, that I am facing the unknown, and that problems are inevitable. It’s ok to be scared right? That means I still have something to lose, right? What is relieving is the fact that You will never leave me alone no matter how I might lose my way, if I let You to get involved in my life. I believe that You will not give me something I can’t handle.

Great Lord, sometimes I wonder “What is the purpose of my life?” and perhaps it takes time for me to finally know what the answer is as I grow and I learn in this life. You know I am not a sacred person, I am just a lay person who still wants to enjoy worldly pleasure without violating my spiritual devotion too. So I can keep up the balance between these two areas of my life Lord. Among the very various ways of my life and the absolute freedom You gave me, please let me find the way You want my life to be according to Your plan. I have nothing but myself for You to use as Your “tool” in this world. I promise You that I will be better. That’s my mission and t will never end.

Amen.

DETERMINATION matters.

I have been learning lately about the urgency of DETERMINATION.

According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, this word means:

1) Firmness of purpose

2) The controlling or deciding of something's nature or outcome.

Determination matters! Without it, you can easily loosen up and get distracted from what you earlier go for. With it, you can keep reminding yourself that you are up to something... that you cannot just give in in the middle of the way.

What I am trying to say is.. Determination Helps You Make Through Some Failures and Focus on Your Goals.

Personal experience of mine, I have been feeling so proud of myself these two days because I was able to resist myself for not going to the annual Midnight Sale at Paris Van Java.

(I've spent much money already at this early time of December due to some Christmas shopping, especially on cards and the international post fee to send Christmas present abroad.)

This feeling of jealousy came when my girls at my dorm came back from that Midnight Sale at Paris Van Java with some bags in their hands, labeling from one brand to another... but deep down at my heart, I am telling myself again "It's OK Dev... You must save more money. You must be determined to save for your traveling plans next year in 2011."

Strategic Studies or Foreign Policy? DUH!

16th October 2010,

13.45 at Daboem

Mas Banto: Your topic would be more on foreign policy analysis.

Me: No Mas! *insisting* I think it's more on strategic studies... military invention eh?

Mas Banto: Remember the title "US Foreign Policy towards Myanmar's Crisis 2007-2009 and the absence of humanitarian intervention" ???

Me: *loading....* Err... yeah you're right! *grinning*

Attach and Detach

Once upon a time there's this saying ...

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson- (Thanks to Dinda for bringing up this issue!)

I wonder sometimes how to limit myself in doing anything. It can apply for work, education, daily routine, and even men... (sorry I don't use the word "boys" here.)

Let's say you've warned yourself to not involve much feeling with a person even though you two would spend much time together... It doesn't matter how you label it as "fun time", "temporary togetherness", "summer fling", or whatever you name it.

The thing is... how do you know when to hold back? Because most time, the next thing you know, you just get carried away... You've been overwhelmed temporarily for a particular time. You two have shared experiences and built memories. The worse part, you unconsciously let your feeling take part in it... or in other way, you're emotionally in it without you realizing in the first place.

People say things like "Out of sight, out of mind", that when that person is gone, then he or she would be out of your mind too. I guess that could be right. But still, how to deal with memories? How to deal with those goddamn reminiscences popping up in your head suddenly, and let you flash back what was going on back then? For the answer, I believe that in order to deal with experiences, I guess we must see the bigger picture, that it's all coming to complete the whole puzzle of your life. I believe if people see the bigger picture of anything, there'll be less people on earth hate others and there'll be more people to make peace with themselves.

Well I'm a person who believes in such spirituality ( having coherent believes about higher purpose, the meaning of life, and the meaning of universe) that beyond this concrete world, there's another powerful universe above there. Some call it "Goddess", "Karma", "Universal Law", "Spirit" and I call it "God". I believe that everything happens for reasons. That God has set me up meeting some people and conditions because every people & conditions coming to my life must have special deep lessons for me to learn.... that makes me better, because life means developing.

Perhaps, no matter you realize it or not, CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT.

People, things, even weather keep changing- whether you like it or not. We cannot force some people or things to remain the same as they used to be. Sometimes it's just us that need to adjust with the new conditions... therefore it is true that we once attach, and the next time we detach. That's how it goes. (Psst I am not talking about the marriage life here, it's not my capacity to write how it would be for husband and wife to keep the marriage-life all the way and remain the same person that each fall in love with. I believe in once-in-a-life-time-monogamous- marriage. Maybe they'd unite and be seen as one body, so it's them that facing the changing surroundings. Still, I guess I'm way way way too young to figure that out... )

So in the time being, I think it is best for me to enjoy and taste life! Life can somehow spoil you til you forget how to wake up and let go... That's the harsh part but if it was for me, since I am no a quitter, I would like to play the fields! =)

LOVE vs LUST ?!

How can we distinguish between LOVE and LUST?

This question has been tangled in my head lately...

How to deal with memories?!

I was on the way to that place

I remembered the day when we met after some goddamn months

There we were, two of us, sitting side by side

Silence was the whole loyal companion between us that day

Though we didn't really talk much that day, I felt butterflies on my stomach

Though we didn't come to see each other so often, I felt like we'd known for a long time that I felt we were so connected

That day, I prayed to God once, it was all that I ever wanted: to be secure, to be comfortable around him.

He could make me feel secure and his eyes seriously calmed me down.

I even selfishly asked God if he was the one for me.

Now I am in that place again.

This time, alone.

Without him.

All memories cross my mind.

Once, twice, three times.

This time, I cry and sometimes I thank God, he isn't there beside me to see me miserable like this.

It's even harder to forget someone who seem just perfect, flawless. Like I can give ANYTHING for him. Like I never ever meet somebody like him before.

At times I wish I could find any one negative thing about him, so I could just let it all go.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever got chance just to meet him and spend at least one bloody hour to be with him.

But the other side of me, whispering "Memories are good to remember, but reality is waiting for you... that you must go on, Dev."

STABILITY... I need you!

Without intending to make it exaggerative, I think I've been in one of the most unstable moments in my life. I've been in such heavy situation where I must decide something important, about what to do next in my study. I've been changing my minds so many times like I change my clothes. Dilemma has been such a shadow for me lately, it always stalks me whenever I go. Sometimes it disappears but then it comes out of sudden to remind me that it is still there! I need stability. No matter what problem it is, I always adore stable people who can still stick what they decide, stable people who can always (seem) calm and yeah... stable!

Oh God, You know I am not always strong, that there are times when I feel like dependent to anyone or even anything. Sometimes I wish You could talk to me and just tell me what to do! Sometimes I wish You wouldn't give me this absolute freedom to do whatever I'd like to, because there are times that I do not even know what I actually want!

I don't know what to do this semester: whether I should take Seminar or not... the decision that has been always awaiting there, that would affect my next steps in the future, to define whether I'll graduate in February 2010 or July 2010. The fact that my parents have left all the decision to myself, even makes me harder to decide. Sometimes I still wish they would just tell me what to do this and that, just like when I was five.

People try to tell me to take Seminar so I could graduate earlier and save one semester than the normal term. They say I have capability to deal with the compact schedule and another events in university. I feel so loved having people who trust me. But then... what about me,myself and I ?! Frankly said, I do not have that many data to do the seminar and thesis and my topic (which I found on the very last day) still needs more data and research. There are some things I'd like to accomplish before I graduate: going for INU, learning French, teaching English. I always want to focus in doing something. So I think I would drop my Seminar, and unlike my smart friends who set goal to graduate in 3,5 years, I might do it in 4 years.. which will be in July 2011. I know sometimes people are expecting much of myself, but living the life with people's standards and expectations are no good at all, it's tiring.