STABILITY... I need you!

Without intending to make it exaggerative, I think I've been in one of the most unstable moments in my life. I've been in such heavy situation where I must decide something important, about what to do next in my study. I've been changing my minds so many times like I change my clothes. Dilemma has been such a shadow for me lately, it always stalks me whenever I go. Sometimes it disappears but then it comes out of sudden to remind me that it is still there! I need stability. No matter what problem it is, I always adore stable people who can still stick what they decide, stable people who can always (seem) calm and yeah... stable!

Oh God, You know I am not always strong, that there are times when I feel like dependent to anyone or even anything. Sometimes I wish You could talk to me and just tell me what to do! Sometimes I wish You wouldn't give me this absolute freedom to do whatever I'd like to, because there are times that I do not even know what I actually want!

I don't know what to do this semester: whether I should take Seminar or not... the decision that has been always awaiting there, that would affect my next steps in the future, to define whether I'll graduate in February 2010 or July 2010. The fact that my parents have left all the decision to myself, even makes me harder to decide. Sometimes I still wish they would just tell me what to do this and that, just like when I was five.

People try to tell me to take Seminar so I could graduate earlier and save one semester than the normal term. They say I have capability to deal with the compact schedule and another events in university. I feel so loved having people who trust me. But then... what about me,myself and I ?! Frankly said, I do not have that many data to do the seminar and thesis and my topic (which I found on the very last day) still needs more data and research. There are some things I'd like to accomplish before I graduate: going for INU, learning French, teaching English. I always want to focus in doing something. So I think I would drop my Seminar, and unlike my smart friends who set goal to graduate in 3,5 years, I might do it in 4 years.. which will be in July 2011. I know sometimes people are expecting much of myself, but living the life with people's standards and expectations are no good at all, it's tiring.

TWO GODDAMN YEARS.

Have you ever been in a fear that you might not be able to fall in love again?

I know that sounds crazy eh?

But chances are, after the break-up with your last ex, you do move on, you met different people, some might tell you about their feeling for you... but what if you do not have the same feeling back?

then I go solo for a while until now...

Looking back to my ex, the total of girlfriends he had since the break-up is around FIVE OR SO.. And me? Logically and sensibly, I didn't involve in any romantic relationship like a girlfriend-boyfriend do since... December 2007, two f*cking years ago. But I have to be thankful for I had these two years such a BLAST! Right after my break-up I could be so free to do anything 'til now. I almost have anything I want so far. =)

Then when it comes for love life, if you were me, you might think "What's so wrong with me? Why couldn't I like those who'd love to be with me? or Why can't I just like those who like me?" Simple huh!

I cannot please everyone by doing something I do not like.

I learn that it is so OK to say NO.

Then you might realize that if you were me, you would see that you currently have such LOUSY love life. Hahaha! Pathetic eh? At least we can still admit it and laugh it off. Or at least... you still have some single friends to share with.

LIFE: anything but ordinary,please!

Have you ever feel like you want such a real quick escapade from your daily routine and do something outside the box? You may think it's pretty impossible because you have stuck with these bloody assignment paper, campus occasion, or any other daily activities. I was that kind of person, until I happened to see my friend's Facebook page,Frederick, where he's been traveling alone from Canada (where he comes from) to Oceania. He takes a year off from university to travel. How easy is that,eh? Perhaps it is everyone's dream, and mine too! But, once more, it is the money that matters! Haha!

So I am kind of both excited and envious to see his adventurous pictures in Fiji (the first destination in Oceania before he heads to New Zealand and Indonesia-hopefuly) and he did not even know where to go first at the airport but only relying on the Fiji map. After getting lost once, and walking along the way he happened to meet such local people in the unknown village in Fiji which turned out to be so welcome and gave him anything he needed for survival that time. I started to learn that it can be really great if you just face the unknown.

Sometimes people are playing it too safe. They do not take risks. They feel their best on their comfort zones. This what makes them less experienced in dealing with what more life can offer. It is such a reflection for me, how sometimes I overlook what the life is and I just get drenched by the ordinary daily routine, gossiping with friends, doing something fun, or even thinking about lousy love life I have been living recently. (HAHA!)

So after seeing some of his pictures and reading each of the captions, I felt like I have traveled to Fiji without moving. I got carried away with the 'story' and when I managed myself back to this reality I started to even think "I want to be anything but ordinary!" I guess everyone should do too.

People cannot simply judge others by pictures.

So.. my older brother in Semarang, Central Java, suddenly called me. He, who has just become a member of Facebook-ers in a month, kinda surprised to see some pictures of me in the occasion of Table Manner in Savoy Hotel last night, taking pictures with different guys and striking such poses which he thinks those make me look "cheap".

There are some points I make myself clear,

First, they are not just some kind of "random-different-guys", because they are all my friends. Yes my friends. The fact that I have got more male friends than the female ones since I was in high-school, makes me look tomboy or get used to be surrounded by guys, but still that does not mean I seem like "cheap", wow such a word my brother tried to tell me. Haha. I admit he might be still one of those conservatives people (but he has got Facebook now. Oh well.)

Second, there was no such pictures I hugged or did some kind of impolite poses...They are all normal pictures with normal people. Even my friends tell me the pictures are just FINE. Though there is one or two when I was the only girl around the guys, but hey, haven't I told you that they were all my friends?!

Third, I start to think that I do not give a damn what people may think of me just because they see my pictures, any pictures of mine. People cannot simply judge someone by the pictures, they have to know and talk first intensely.

Then here comes a question through my mind: why is it just so unfair, boy can take picture with many different girls and their possibility to get the label of "cheap" or "gampangan" is much less than a girl taking picture with some different guys. Boooooo! If there's such word "Lady's man" then what should we call it for a girl... "Man's lady"?

What makes Human Rights issue universal?

In this era of 21^st century or particularly we can say the era of Post-Cold War, international communities are no longer facing merely traditional security matters, which mainly focus on state national security. There are more rising issues, such as gender equality, genocide, pandemic disease, food crisis, and even poverty (the classic problem that has come to the top of world’s major problem). Those global issues are more people-centered rather than state-centered, or as UNDP on its 1993 annual Human Development Report named it “human security” issues.[1] Since they directly relate to the people’s security as an individual, they cannot be separated from the term “human rights”, because any violation to human rights is considered as human security issue.

Since this sort of security is expected to cover safety “from chronic threats like hunger, disease, and political repression, as well as protection from sudden and hurtful disruptions in the patterns of daily life”[2], it is harder and more complex for a nation state to deal with human security problems than traditional security ones. However, more countries have put concerns on human security , it is proved by the establishment of Human Security Network by the end of 1999. This kind of issue has been more universal than ever. For example, “by the year 2000, Canada also had made human security the foundation of its foreign policy, defining it as ‘safety for people from both violent and non-violent threats … characterized by freedom from pervasive threats to people’s rights, their safety, or even their lives. Canadian diplomatic effort and foreign aid soon began to back the new emphasis with significant national resources. Other countries, ranging from Austria to Switzerland, followed suit.”[3]

This new shifting of priority from international actors to concern more on human rights, does rise a question: What makes this human rights become such international issue who attract more states’ attentions? Why should I care about a human right violation issue on a country that is miles away from my own country, since it has no any direct implication to my daily life? I would embark to find good reasons. I believe that human right is some kind of a bless for each individual to have by the time he or she was born to earth, this right is however a God’s gift for everyone to pursue his or her long term interest/purpose in this world. If I let any violation to human right happen anywhere, that would mean I someday might let anybody else to violate my own human right. In the sense of human right, we are no longer seen as Asian, Westerners, Arabian, etc, but we are one unity for the humanity values.

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[1] United Nations Development Program, Human Development Report, 1993, http://hdr.undp.org/reports/global/1993/en/.

[2] Dan Henk, “Human Security: Relevance and Implications,” Parameters, Summer 2005, 94.

[3] Dan Henk, ““Human Security: Relevance and Implications,” 95.

A great QUOTE about HOPE!

A friend of mine, Ajie, he once told me a great quote from the movie The Shawshank Redemption. Simple but meaningful!

To let us dare to never give up HOPE - as a light in the dark-

"HOPE IS A GOOD THING, MAYBE THE BEST OF THING. AND NO GOOD THING EVER DIES"

Andy Dufresne (The Shawshank Redemption)

Crazy Kinda Crush on Him! (there's no such empty hope right?)

I once asked God to let me feel butterflies on my stomach again.

I miss those butterflies on my stomach! I have been 'enjoying' my campus-life too much that sometimes I just forgot how it feels to fall for someone.

I asked Him to remind me to know how it feels when you like someone.

God is kind enough for He makes me feel this kind of feeling again: when you feel your heart beats so fast just to hear his name, when feel nervous just to say “Hi!” if you happen to meet him by accident, when you feel insecure how you look if he sees you, when you just want to have more and more conversation with him via Yahoo Messenger, when you regularly check his Facebook just to make sure if he is still available, when you feel your heart beat faster to see his beautiful eyes, when you insanely search excuses to exchange your phone numbers with his, when you are on the bleachers loyally watching him plays sport, and when you want to fold him into pieces and put him in your pocket just so he won’t go anywhere but near you.

Stupid isn’t it?

It is.

Now it all leads to a question: Am I obsessed, infatuated or delirious?

I sing all the crush-songs all the way, but I wonder if he would feel what I feel too. So cliché, but it does happen to me.

Should I be thankful for God has let me feel this so-called-crush feeling or Should I blame God for giving me this feeling that cause me hard to focus, because every time I daydream, it’s him that I think about?!

I wonder whether the Law Of Attraction truly exists, that if you strongly believe in something to happen to you, the universe would deliver it to you. If so, then will he possibly feel that in other part of his world there’s someone who madly think about him? Someone who would take care of him sincerely, if only he realizes that they perfectly suit together.

I think there is nothing to lose, just to believe the Law Of Attraction.

God, please, if You allow me to even try to be with him, lead me to the ways closer to him. If You don’t think he’s good enough for me, then help me to kill this feeling please?

What is the use of an empty hope?

But I guess that is not a wise way to say a feeling as an empty hope, since there is no such empty hope. I think it is the mysterious bumpy process that makes it all worth to learn in the end, regardless you end up to get what you want or not.

One more time, it’s the lesson learnt that matters.