Attach and Detach

Once upon a time there's this saying ...

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson- (Thanks to Dinda for bringing up this issue!)

I wonder sometimes how to limit myself in doing anything. It can apply for work, education, daily routine, and even men... (sorry I don't use the word "boys" here.)

Let's say you've warned yourself to not involve much feeling with a person even though you two would spend much time together... It doesn't matter how you label it as "fun time", "temporary togetherness", "summer fling", or whatever you name it.

The thing is... how do you know when to hold back? Because most time, the next thing you know, you just get carried away... You've been overwhelmed temporarily for a particular time. You two have shared experiences and built memories. The worse part, you unconsciously let your feeling take part in it... or in other way, you're emotionally in it without you realizing in the first place.

People say things like "Out of sight, out of mind", that when that person is gone, then he or she would be out of your mind too. I guess that could be right. But still, how to deal with memories? How to deal with those goddamn reminiscences popping up in your head suddenly, and let you flash back what was going on back then? For the answer, I believe that in order to deal with experiences, I guess we must see the bigger picture, that it's all coming to complete the whole puzzle of your life. I believe if people see the bigger picture of anything, there'll be less people on earth hate others and there'll be more people to make peace with themselves.

Well I'm a person who believes in such spirituality ( having coherent believes about higher purpose, the meaning of life, and the meaning of universe) that beyond this concrete world, there's another powerful universe above there. Some call it "Goddess", "Karma", "Universal Law", "Spirit" and I call it "God". I believe that everything happens for reasons. That God has set me up meeting some people and conditions because every people & conditions coming to my life must have special deep lessons for me to learn.... that makes me better, because life means developing.

Perhaps, no matter you realize it or not, CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT.

People, things, even weather keep changing- whether you like it or not. We cannot force some people or things to remain the same as they used to be. Sometimes it's just us that need to adjust with the new conditions... therefore it is true that we once attach, and the next time we detach. That's how it goes. (Psst I am not talking about the marriage life here, it's not my capacity to write how it would be for husband and wife to keep the marriage-life all the way and remain the same person that each fall in love with. I believe in once-in-a-life-time-monogamous- marriage. Maybe they'd unite and be seen as one body, so it's them that facing the changing surroundings. Still, I guess I'm way way way too young to figure that out... )

So in the time being, I think it is best for me to enjoy and taste life! Life can somehow spoil you til you forget how to wake up and let go... That's the harsh part but if it was for me, since I am no a quitter, I would like to play the fields! =)

LOVE vs LUST ?!

How can we distinguish between LOVE and LUST?

This question has been tangled in my head lately...

How to deal with memories?!

I was on the way to that place

I remembered the day when we met after some goddamn months

There we were, two of us, sitting side by side

Silence was the whole loyal companion between us that day

Though we didn't really talk much that day, I felt butterflies on my stomach

Though we didn't come to see each other so often, I felt like we'd known for a long time that I felt we were so connected

That day, I prayed to God once, it was all that I ever wanted: to be secure, to be comfortable around him.

He could make me feel secure and his eyes seriously calmed me down.

I even selfishly asked God if he was the one for me.

Now I am in that place again.

This time, alone.

Without him.

All memories cross my mind.

Once, twice, three times.

This time, I cry and sometimes I thank God, he isn't there beside me to see me miserable like this.

It's even harder to forget someone who seem just perfect, flawless. Like I can give ANYTHING for him. Like I never ever meet somebody like him before.

At times I wish I could find any one negative thing about him, so I could just let it all go.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever got chance just to meet him and spend at least one bloody hour to be with him.

But the other side of me, whispering "Memories are good to remember, but reality is waiting for you... that you must go on, Dev."

STABILITY... I need you!

Without intending to make it exaggerative, I think I've been in one of the most unstable moments in my life. I've been in such heavy situation where I must decide something important, about what to do next in my study. I've been changing my minds so many times like I change my clothes. Dilemma has been such a shadow for me lately, it always stalks me whenever I go. Sometimes it disappears but then it comes out of sudden to remind me that it is still there! I need stability. No matter what problem it is, I always adore stable people who can still stick what they decide, stable people who can always (seem) calm and yeah... stable!

Oh God, You know I am not always strong, that there are times when I feel like dependent to anyone or even anything. Sometimes I wish You could talk to me and just tell me what to do! Sometimes I wish You wouldn't give me this absolute freedom to do whatever I'd like to, because there are times that I do not even know what I actually want!

I don't know what to do this semester: whether I should take Seminar or not... the decision that has been always awaiting there, that would affect my next steps in the future, to define whether I'll graduate in February 2010 or July 2010. The fact that my parents have left all the decision to myself, even makes me harder to decide. Sometimes I still wish they would just tell me what to do this and that, just like when I was five.

People try to tell me to take Seminar so I could graduate earlier and save one semester than the normal term. They say I have capability to deal with the compact schedule and another events in university. I feel so loved having people who trust me. But then... what about me,myself and I ?! Frankly said, I do not have that many data to do the seminar and thesis and my topic (which I found on the very last day) still needs more data and research. There are some things I'd like to accomplish before I graduate: going for INU, learning French, teaching English. I always want to focus in doing something. So I think I would drop my Seminar, and unlike my smart friends who set goal to graduate in 3,5 years, I might do it in 4 years.. which will be in July 2011. I know sometimes people are expecting much of myself, but living the life with people's standards and expectations are no good at all, it's tiring.

TWO GODDAMN YEARS.

Have you ever been in a fear that you might not be able to fall in love again?

I know that sounds crazy eh?

But chances are, after the break-up with your last ex, you do move on, you met different people, some might tell you about their feeling for you... but what if you do not have the same feeling back?

then I go solo for a while until now...

Looking back to my ex, the total of girlfriends he had since the break-up is around FIVE OR SO.. And me? Logically and sensibly, I didn't involve in any romantic relationship like a girlfriend-boyfriend do since... December 2007, two f*cking years ago. But I have to be thankful for I had these two years such a BLAST! Right after my break-up I could be so free to do anything 'til now. I almost have anything I want so far. =)

Then when it comes for love life, if you were me, you might think "What's so wrong with me? Why couldn't I like those who'd love to be with me? or Why can't I just like those who like me?" Simple huh!

I cannot please everyone by doing something I do not like.

I learn that it is so OK to say NO.

Then you might realize that if you were me, you would see that you currently have such LOUSY love life. Hahaha! Pathetic eh? At least we can still admit it and laugh it off. Or at least... you still have some single friends to share with.

LIFE: anything but ordinary,please!

Have you ever feel like you want such a real quick escapade from your daily routine and do something outside the box? You may think it's pretty impossible because you have stuck with these bloody assignment paper, campus occasion, or any other daily activities. I was that kind of person, until I happened to see my friend's Facebook page,Frederick, where he's been traveling alone from Canada (where he comes from) to Oceania. He takes a year off from university to travel. How easy is that,eh? Perhaps it is everyone's dream, and mine too! But, once more, it is the money that matters! Haha!

So I am kind of both excited and envious to see his adventurous pictures in Fiji (the first destination in Oceania before he heads to New Zealand and Indonesia-hopefuly) and he did not even know where to go first at the airport but only relying on the Fiji map. After getting lost once, and walking along the way he happened to meet such local people in the unknown village in Fiji which turned out to be so welcome and gave him anything he needed for survival that time. I started to learn that it can be really great if you just face the unknown.

Sometimes people are playing it too safe. They do not take risks. They feel their best on their comfort zones. This what makes them less experienced in dealing with what more life can offer. It is such a reflection for me, how sometimes I overlook what the life is and I just get drenched by the ordinary daily routine, gossiping with friends, doing something fun, or even thinking about lousy love life I have been living recently. (HAHA!)

So after seeing some of his pictures and reading each of the captions, I felt like I have traveled to Fiji without moving. I got carried away with the 'story' and when I managed myself back to this reality I started to even think "I want to be anything but ordinary!" I guess everyone should do too.

People cannot simply judge others by pictures.

So.. my older brother in Semarang, Central Java, suddenly called me. He, who has just become a member of Facebook-ers in a month, kinda surprised to see some pictures of me in the occasion of Table Manner in Savoy Hotel last night, taking pictures with different guys and striking such poses which he thinks those make me look "cheap".

There are some points I make myself clear,

First, they are not just some kind of "random-different-guys", because they are all my friends. Yes my friends. The fact that I have got more male friends than the female ones since I was in high-school, makes me look tomboy or get used to be surrounded by guys, but still that does not mean I seem like "cheap", wow such a word my brother tried to tell me. Haha. I admit he might be still one of those conservatives people (but he has got Facebook now. Oh well.)

Second, there was no such pictures I hugged or did some kind of impolite poses...They are all normal pictures with normal people. Even my friends tell me the pictures are just FINE. Though there is one or two when I was the only girl around the guys, but hey, haven't I told you that they were all my friends?!

Third, I start to think that I do not give a damn what people may think of me just because they see my pictures, any pictures of mine. People cannot simply judge someone by the pictures, they have to know and talk first intensely.

Then here comes a question through my mind: why is it just so unfair, boy can take picture with many different girls and their possibility to get the label of "cheap" or "gampangan" is much less than a girl taking picture with some different guys. Boooooo! If there's such word "Lady's man" then what should we call it for a girl... "Man's lady"?