Without intending to make it exaggerative, I think I've been in one of the most unstable moments in my life. I've been in such heavy situation where I must decide something important, about what to do next in my study. I've been changing my minds so many times like I change my clothes. Dilemma has been such a shadow for me lately, it always stalks me whenever I go. Sometimes it disappears but then it comes out of sudden to remind me that it is still there! I need stability. No matter what problem it is, I always adore stable people who can still stick what they decide, stable people who can always (seem) calm and yeah... stable!
Oh God, You know I am not always strong, that there are times when I feel like dependent to anyone or even anything. Sometimes I wish You could talk to me and just tell me what to do! Sometimes I wish You wouldn't give me this absolute freedom to do whatever I'd like to, because there are times that I do not even know what I actually want!
I don't know what to do this semester: whether I should take Seminar or not... the decision that has been always awaiting there, that would affect my next steps in the future, to define whether I'll graduate in February 2010 or July 2010. The fact that my parents have left all the decision to myself, even makes me harder to decide. Sometimes I still wish they would just tell me what to do this and that, just like when I was five.
People try to tell me to take Seminar so I could graduate earlier and save one semester than the normal term. They say I have capability to deal with the compact schedule and another events in university. I feel so loved having people who trust me. But then... what about me,myself and I ?! Frankly said, I do not have that many data to do the seminar and thesis and my topic (which I found on the very last day) still needs more data and research. There are some things I'd like to accomplish before I graduate: going for INU, learning French, teaching English. I always want to focus in doing something. So I think I would drop my Seminar, and unlike my smart friends who set goal to graduate in 3,5 years, I might do it in 4 years.. which will be in July 2011. I know sometimes people are expecting much of myself, but living the life with people's standards and expectations are no good at all, it's tiring.